I recently relocated to Los Angeles, California and thought it appropriate to do an overhaul on my website. Welcome to the new and improved version! (Very special thanks to Kris Watson of Lumous Media.)
I drove down from Portland, Oregon with my friend and everything we could fit in my car. Within three weeks I was fortunate enough to be signed by Beverly Kline at Independent Artists Agency. So far, I completed the first level of improv classes at the Upright Citizens Brigade, found a job and continue to write and film my own projects while I audition and explore my new city.
Favorite things about LA: Frozen yogurt everywhere-all the time(!), sunshinesunshinesunshine, hiking in the hills and feeling like a clever-genius whenever I find shortcuts around traffic.
Things I don't favorite in LA: Sales tax, aggressive car parking, and the acceptance of leggings as pants.
However, as mentioned in my previous post, I've let go of comparing my experiences against the constructs of "how it should be."
I decided to do more, even if it wasn't directly linked to acting and writing. 'Just-moved-to-LA-Caitlyn' would have vomited nails if she heard herself say that. But, 'Didn't-just-move-to-LA-Caitlyn' knows better.
You can't live your life waiting to live your life.
Might I make a few recommendations?
1. Jump into the ocean at 3am with people that make you laugh.
2. Hug a horizon from time to time
3. Whenever you purchase something for yourself, ALWAYS take the opportunity to affirm your awesomeness. (Especially with a Cool Runnings quote.)
And,
4. Play embarrassing-to-admit-you-like-it music and dance like a fly-guy tube dancer on a car lot.
(Let's be honest, this whole post was just so I could post the gifs I made.)
2011 was a year of challenges and transition for almost everyone I talked to. And while I wouldn't trade the lessons learned on the heels of difficulty, I am thrilled to shed the cobweb wisps of last year and embrace the freshness 2012. I know it is simply a state of mind, and we are really no different January 1st than we are the morning of our birthdays... but I'm a sucker for milestones. And, I am the kind of person who wakes up on my birthday (wanting cupcakes for breakfast) and accepts the permission your birthday gives you to start fresh.
Last Year.
Highlights: Found ONE job that allowed me to audition AND pay my bills, with a staff that is as wonderful as they are crazybananapancake. Signed across the board with Avant artists. Booked my 1st LA national! Spent time tending to my inner peace, which proved to be an excellent choice. Wrote A LOT. Dabbled back in modeling, which reminded me that I should be less resistant to it, because it was fun. I had the good fortune to sit next to a film actor I very much respect for a dinner and received some insight and encouragement that I will never forget. Spent Christmas with my family in Portland and then went HOME to LA to welcome in 2012 with my closest friends.
2012.
OH HAI 2012! I'm so excited you are here! Why? Aside from the fact that I was given 8 bags of my favorite coffee for Christmas and have enough energy any given day to power a mid-sized pressure washer-- I'm excited because I'm "ready" in every sense of the word. And, because I'm so ready, I'm sure about this year. I'm not afraid of what comes next because I woke up January first in fighting shape with 4.5 lbs of uncrushed caffeine and 4 pairs of the same dinosaur socks. BRING IT.
This year, I am not going to tell you what I'm going to do, I'm just going to do it. I cannot tell you where I think I'll be at the end of this year. What I can tell you:
I've made a lot of videos in my day, including a 17 episode web series. However, none has received attention like my most recent, "Shit Everybody Says to TALL Girls."
Everyone by now is aware of the "shit someone says to someone" meme. Some are tired of it, some are addicted to it, whatever. I find it funny and when it started, the windows of opportunity were blown open by the screaming curious voices of all who ask me questions, tease me, and define me by my height.
I wrote it (thanks to Chad Carter who added some hilarious lines,) woke up early, dug out my costume/prop box that would make any 11 year old girl drool with envy and filmed it. (I ended up pulling the muscles in my neck from holding the camera above my head...because I'm pretty good at doing things.)
As it turns out, a lot of tall people, women AND men, share the same experiences of constantly being asked about their stature. So much that I just did a little interview for a tall-ladies blog that contacted me about it. I had a great time writing it and I'll share the interview once it's posted.
It's been an incredible experience to connect with people similar to myself, and be able to give encouragement to younger tall girls who feel awkward about it. I've realized there is whole community of tall women thanks to the internet! It might just be an elongated amazon cult, but if it is, I cannot wait to earn my giraffe honor badges!
Do you know Caitlyn Larimore? Well, you should… Her YouTube video “S##t EVERYBODY says to TALL Girls” has over 50,000 views.
I first saw this video last weekend and was in tears by the end of it from laughing so hard. But I couldn’t stop myself from wanting to know more about the girl in the video. I followed some links and did some reading and found out that she’s not only tall, but also an up and coming actress. You might have seen her Best Buy commercial or even in an episode of Leverage (TNT), and you know what else… She’s down to earth and I haven’t even met her. With my reading and link following I spotted some contact info thinking to myself, “Let’s see what happens”. And before the day was out I had a reply from a very enthused Caitlyn who wants to be a part of this Tall Girl Movement. After a couple exchanges here is what she had to share…
Hi, I’m Caitlyn! I’m a Los Angeles based actor who as an affinity for dinosaurs, Star Wars fruit snacks and being 6 feet tall.
1. At what age did you notice that your friends had stopped growing?
As a young gangly thing, I had a propensity to be oblivious to my differences until it smacked me in the face; like discovering in my 7th grade bathroom mirror that not only was I wearing 100% mismatching clothing, but that my pants were so short the school could have flooded without my pants getting wet. Hello self-awareness! I’m not sure that I can recall a specific moment where I realized my friends had stopped growing. Ever since my 4th grade class photo when I was placed in the back with the boys I had been aware that I was among the tallest of my peers. I was just used to being “the tallest.” Again, not being the type to notice that I was a weirdo –granted, it was probably a version of mental protection, as I was the kid galloping around alone at recess in the field, howling like a wolf. 10 year old Caitlyn was very proud of her authentic wolf howl.
I had growth spurts the same time most kids did, so my being taller was a familiar constant, rather than an abrupt discovery. However, I grew until my freshman year of college, and that last inch I DEFINITELY noticed, as it was that golden and terrifying threshold to cross as a girl, into the foreign world of six feet.
2. When would you say your height was no longer an issue for you or was it ever?
Growing up, my height seemed normal to me. I had a very tall dad (6’8″) and a Mom who encouraged a healthy body image, always telling me how lucky I was to be tall. My Grandfather, I assume he knew I was going to be a tall woman someday, constantly told me to “stand tall” and never “stoop just to accommodate those shorter than you.” (He meant that in a grandfatherly loving way, not in some height elitist family way.)
The one year of my life I became self-conscious of my height was my freshman year of college. Up until that point I had been a long-limbed theatre and band geek who had been in school with roughly the same crowd since elementary school. My height was rarely noticed, or mentioned, at least as far as I was concerned. Perhaps people brought it up when I wasn’t around, it WAS high school, you know.
It began a week before college when I spoke to my soon-to-be roommate on the phone and we realized we were going to be the strangest pair at 4’11″ and 5’11″. She ended up being one of the most loving and beautiful people I have ever met, plus, we had no problems choosing shelves. The insecurities began when I noticed my height was constantly mentioned in the obligatory “what major are you, where are you from” questions. I had never thought about it before, and suddenly I was so tall everyone was bringing it up. Which quickly morphed in my mind to me being a gangly, long limbed, tree monster girl who should be burned at the stake if she even thought about wearing heels. I became obsessed with finding the flattest of shoes.
The scale tipper was my first audition where they decided to line up all the freshman on stage…by height. OH SH*T.
Everyone awkwardly milled around the stage sizing each other up and slowly finding their place, I was a sweaty-palmed mess. As I inched toward the end of the stage I thought, “Oh my god, this is happening. I am going to be the tallest! I’m the ONLY girl down here– what the hell is that boy looking at, don’t look at me– I mean, I wore my converse, is there a flatter shoe than converse– I’m never going to be cast in anything, I’m a femmonster who is too tall to be an actor, I might as well just die!” So I did what any insecure young woman who is worried about fitting in would do.
I slouched.
Knees bent, shoulders slightly forward like a kennel dog trying to be adopted, I kissed off the good posture my mom was so proud of.
Worst decision ever.
Here’s something funny about slouching. People can tell. And you look like an elephant trying to pass as a hippo.
How it turned around: After a very tame “suburban kid self-realization frosh year” I went home for the summer to my family and friends who I knew didn’t see me as an elongated gumby freak, or at least were so used to it they’d never say anything. Having a break from constantly meeting new people gave me time to think. One summer day while I was jogging on treadmill thinking about why I was so obsessed with being shorter, some terrible pop song came on. I don’t remember the song. All I know is it was so upbeat it could have been written by actual coffee beans, and it triggered my hyper brain into self-confidence-montage-mode. There I was, running, sun shining, unicorn punching, tall. “I’m tall!” I thought. And in my pop song induced craze I realized that there was literally nothing I could do about my height. If you’re short you can wear heels, if you have small lady boobahs you can do multiple things, and plastic surgery can change all sorts of body parts, including give you horns. But if you’re tall, you’re freaking tall! Something about acknowledging I could do nothing about being a tall woman but BE a tall woman was very liberating. When I stepped off that treadmill I was taller. And I haven’t looked back. Or down.
3. How do you react when approached with a “Tall Girl” question or comment? Is there one that sticks out more than the others?
So many questions from people, so many answers. It depends who is asking, HOW they ask and what I’m doing at the time. (I’m sure that’s true for most people who get asked the same thing a lot.) Some common scenarios and my reactions, (for our purposes, I’ll use good/bad mood as our spectrum):
A. At work, a stranger meets me, looks at my feet, gazes at the top of my head like there might be a majestic bald eagle nesting and asks in awe, “how tall are you?” This question I don’t mind so much, and will answer on command as if someone clicker-trained me to do so. What I do mind are the follow up questions and/or chit-chat about it. “Wow, you must blank blank– my son/daughter/friend/invalid neighbor is blank tall– is it hard to blank blank– it’s very becoming blah blah.”
In a good mood: I stare politely, and discuss my height briefly as if I too, find it fascinating.
In a bad mood: I stare blankly and fight back asking how much they weigh or how old they are.
B. This next one only happens with a certain type of man, and if it occurs when I am in a bad mood, that man better have come prepared to have his illusions about his ‘real’ height shattered. After asking me how tall I am and getting the (accurate) answer of “six feet,” this very particular breed of man will insist this isn’t my actual height. Why would this stranger think it normal to disagree with a personal fact about me? Because HE is six feet, which means I HAVE to be at least 6’2′”. Then they insist a back-to-back height check. If only we were going to walk 3 paces and shoot… This little song and dance has come in neatly wrapped packages of men interrupting me at work, crossing streets for the sole purpose, and the best one: (a total stranger) getting up from a dinner table WITH HIS WIFE.
In a good mood: I laugh and assure them I am just 6′ and that I don’t have a problem with my height, do they have a problem with theirs?
In a bad mood: My eyes become angry little lasers which bore into the 5’10″ affronting head in question. I then, bluntly inform them that I know my height and it’s unfortunate he was misinformed about his, moreover that the only people that ever argue or care how how tall I am aremen, just like him, who believe their masculinity is defined by the physical and material– and I would tell him to get out of my face, except he can’t reach it. (I’ve never said that last part.) (Side note: I generally refrain from confrontation and shattering people’s hopes and dreams…and don’t endorse taking offense to height based questions: it’s better to just understand people are curious, feeling awkward or have nothing better to say and accept these types questions are always going to happen. The More You Know! *Star* Now, let me tell you one more time I was pissed off…)
C. Do you play Basketball? No.
In a good mood: I always give a blunt “no” and laugh at this, (because if you know me, you know I have the coordination of a gazelle on an ice rink and you laugh at this too,) and change the subject. No more questions, you don’t know why I’m laughing, and no, I didn’t play volleyball either.
In a bad mood: Just the one time… my height had been brought up what seemed like 100 times that day and some mega-bro-douche at a bar counter asked the clever question about basketball. Snap. I picked up a piece of bread roll and said “No, want to see why?” I motioned with my bread toward a garbage can that was somewhat near him, I was going to attempt a basket. I threw the bread directly at his head.
4. Being an up and coming actress have you noticed any obstacles because of your height?
Yes.
It works against me in that there is a high percentage of men under 6′ who are actors, giving me a much smaller pool of men to be paired against –in the “man is always taller than woman” social standard. I am also taller than a lot of women, so putting me in any group has to be calculated, unless they are purposely trying to accentuate my height.
However! It definitely works for me, more than against me. I don’t spend much time thinking about how my height is cheating me out of roles I WOULD have been perfect for. Chances are my photo has been on tables in casting rooms and the collective decision was that I was too tall. But, spending any time thinking about how I would have been perfect for X,Y,Z if it weren’t for my height (or anything else really) means that I wasn’t in fact, perfect for it. And, for all the roles I didn’t get because of it, I have gone into and booked jobs that specifically wanted a tall woman. I am tall. But I am also a lot of other things. And it is the combination of all those things that define me, not just one of them.
Whether you’re an actor or not, everyone has their “something” that makes them different and unique. My height sets me apart from all the other brunettes who are funny and “girl-next-doory” and I wouldn’t trade it.
5. What advice would you give to a tall girl growing up in a short world?
First of all, I would tell her it’s not a short world! It’s a giant world full of whales, ants and everything in between. The responses to my “Shit Everyone Says to Tall Girls” have mostly been tall people celebrating or commiserating our shared experiences. But, whenever I’ve read a comment from a young girl being pained by the negative attention she’s getting, I want to ride a giraffe to her and give her really tall hug. All the tallies of the world remember when they were made to feel bad for their top-shelf-reaching bodies, instead of proud. Get ready, I’m bustin’ out the cheese wheel because I really care about this.
My advice for tall girls (and really anyone who has anything about their body that makes them feel different) is to first ask yourself, different than what? What standard have you set that is ideal? Why would you want to be anything different than you? Is it 5’9″ and this and that and the other? Realize that for the 6 dozen things you believe that other type of person gets and you don’t, your type of person gets 7 dozen. You’ve convinced yourself life would be so much easier if just this one thing about you were different? Guess what? You’d have some other issue you didn’t like or that was making you insecure. Confidence begins by knowing that you are unlike anyone else, and this is your most amazing gift you can give the world. Appreciate and relish in your uniqueness. Find ways to forgive those who try to tell you that you are wrong for loving yourself. They hate something about themselves and try to distract you from it by making you hate something about yourself.
And specifically to my young tallies:
1. Being tall IS AWESOME. No. Really, it’s amazing. (Except pants shopping, we all know this.)
2. Stand tall, and don’t stoop to accommodate those shorter than you.
3. Some types of guys, especially young ones, may try to convince you to be embarrassed about being tall. F**K THAT. If you meet a guy (or girl) like this, know that it is 100% about how your confident stature is drawing out insecurities they already have. They have bought into society telling them men are always tall, dark, drive Ford trucks, drink beer, kill bears with their fists and women should be shorter than them always, and if they’re not they should be in the WNBA where he can tell them it’s not a real sport.
4. Have good posture. Take pride in your good posture. Encourage others to have good posture.
5. Don’t brag about how tall you are, it makes you look like an insecure jerk wagon.
6. Know that people will always, always ask you about your height. Learn to love it. And when you don’t… you can always throw bread.
*Bonus question*
Do you have any projects we should keep a lookout for?
Yes! Everything! All the time! Always! The acting world is a funny place and I have a lot of eggs in a lot of baskets and I’m not allowed to count any of them!
I know Adele wasn't necessarily singing about achieving things you want in your career, but this specific line smacked me in the face while I was flying windows-open down an LA freeway in the sunshine, and helped me embrace my newest opportunity.
THE NEWS
Yesterday, I signed across the board with Avant Artists. After a year in Los Angeles I can finally say I am a Theatrically and Commercially represented actor. Everything lined up to make this new and exciting step a reality, and I am thrilled to be welcomed in to the Avant Artist circle.
I am currently collaborating with several different and brilliantly talented people on varying projects. I am working a lot. I am writing a lot. I no longer clutch to my GPS when I leave the house like a squirrel on a branch in a hurricane. I feel that soon I will be so busy I won't remember what sleep is... and that is exactly how I like it.
Things are begining to take shape and however I end up barreling down this path, I'm going to do it like me. My new agents told me: "It's a marathon."
I agree. That's why I brought my running shoes and water spiked with enthusiasm.
I've proclaimed that 2011 will be a very good year for me.
2010.
I closed the year in my home town, Portland, after finishing my assisting position for a well known actor, who I very much respect.
Last year was one of epic transition, challenges and personal growth. It was equal parts tears and laughter; but more often than not they were joined in unison. 2010 was following a year full of great professional success: I did 2 national commercials, 2 independent films, received my SAG card and did my first guest spot on a television show. Then... I moved to Los Angeles. As much as I wanted to prove everyone wrong, it DOES take a year to adjust to a new city. It hasn't been a year yet... but we're getting close.
2011.
This. Is going to be good. I have one photo shoot under my belt: A collaboration with Laura Winterrowd, Amy Gillespie and dresses from Sarah Seven that was as fun as it was freezing. I have several projects in the cue...I'm excited to share more about them soon.
I've earned my LA stripes. I'm ready to get on my horse, bring my calvary, sound the trumpets and come flying into the battle field with my rock-band guitar held high.
Is the best word in the world to hear as an actor.
I was lucky enough to hear those words recently, and just wrapped up a week long adventure on a National/ International commercial. I cannot express how much fun, despite the legitimately challenging work, the shoot was. I do not know how I was lucky enough to have the opportunity to work with such immensely talented, kind and amazing people.
After collaborating with ISM Mode several weeks ago, we shot again, this time for her look book.
It was a blustery LA day, which made me grateful for the space heater they set up for me.
We had many items to shoot so, the shoot began early and we only shot each piece for a matter of minutes. I had worked late the night before making coffee my holy grail of caffeine; while, the lovely and talented Veronica Nunez did my hair and makeup.
Once we hit our rhythm we shot at the speed of light colored slacks! Change! Snap! Snap! Change! While it was exhausting, the crew was delightful to work with and kept the mood light and cheery.
The clothes were inventive, beautiful and also insanely comfortable... which in my experience, is rare.
While the shoot was a lot of work, it was a lot fun. They even let me pull a dinosaur pose, (or three) AND get a little silly with brooms and heroic superhero poses. My kind of people, for sure.
(I can haz front cover?)
Inka was kind enough to give me one of her lovely black dresses, (which I promptly wore that night,) and she showed me some amazing images from our 1st shoot. I can't wait to share them eventually!
Check off my 2nd super positive modeling experience in LA! A girl could get used to this...
This week I did a photoshoot for ISM Mode which was a collaborative and sassy production. Special thanks to Lauren Smith for getting me involved. Modeling has been on the back burner for a while, but it was nice to stretch those old skills and let 'em walk around a bit.
The styling was a fun blend of Mad Men meets Classic Comic Book... I'm excited to see how they turn out.
In true photoshoot form, the last shots of the day were outside, at dusk, as the wind's frigid fingers played ice-cube harmonica upon my soul.
The final shot, I took, which I call: The Windblown Driver
3. Move to LA with your old Honda packed with enthusiasm and a bag of "I've got something special!"
4. Live somewhere in LA that is either too expensive, or too far away, or both. Regret this choice, but don't admit it to anyone but the mirror.
5. Get new headshots, new 'audition' shirts and slather your website with positive and motivated exclamations. Take classes to feel like you're actually doing something.
6. Run out of money.
7. Get a job in a restaurant.
8. Judge everyone around you in auditions. Too slutty. Too loud. Too fake.
9. Realize they booked the job.
10. Convince yourself you won't 'be like them anyway.'
11. Listen to every pop song involving the word "stronger." Fist pump the air.
12. Get into a serious relationship with "2 Buck Chuck."
13. Get a sharpie and draw on all your old headshots. Contemplate mass mailing them. "That'll show 'em."
14. Realize you will only be cast as some sort of brainless, sex object, bitchy girl thing.
15. Compare yourself to everyone. Give up.
16. Immerse yourself in Battlestar Galactica.
17. Wear sunglasses everywhere so no one can see your tears.
18. Hibernate. Time to move to failed actor island.
19. Acknowledge that you now only take pride in your ability to parallel park like a badass.
20. Take some time to reflect.
21. Decide you hate everyone.
22. Take a little more time to reflect.
23. Realize you've forgotten why you loved acting in the first place.
24. Stop trying to be 'successful', start doing what you like.
25. Embrace the struggle.
26. Enjoy doing it, for the sake of doing it.
27. Battlestar Galactica follows you on Twitter. You feel complete.
Last week, I did a hilarious shoot with the talented Alejandro De Leon and Ari Aster. (They currently have a kickstarter to fund their exciting project, MUNCHASUSEN: check it!)
The whimsical shoot involved a street gang of greasy food, a desperate-to-be-consumed cupcake and a local lunchtime hero. I spent the days prior to the shoot eating spoonfuls of funfetti frosting and calling the oven my mother... to get into character. I will say, there is nothing better than being directed by someone who is dressed as a french fry. (Or, having to repeatedly yell "delicious" while swathed in fake frosting.) I saw several passersby snapping "discreet" cell phone photos. I considered telling them I was the spokescake for diabetes... but refrained. My wardrobe was made by the creepily talentedDakota Keller.
Not only was she hilarious and wildly talented; she went above and beyond in assisting me in my pastried state. Oh, and she did THIS to my face:
It was a deliciously hot day to be prancing around in the sun for everyone; but, getting to work with such an enthusiastic and talented crew made it well worth the effort.
It was a good reminder that this whole process should be fun, and while 'makin' the greenbacks' is obviously better than not, it doesn't dictate the worth of the experience.
I was really happy to have been apart, and I can't wait to see the finished product.
ALSO, TRIPLE BONUS POINTS, they found a lizard wandering around (whatup SoCal) and I got to hold him. Boom!
**It's been brought to my attention that it this isn't only the "actor's plight" but anyone pursuing a dream/ chasing a goal, especially in the arts. For these purposes, "actor" can mean anyone who is bounding down their own path and writing their future.**
I think most actors like to fawn upon the days when a career in acting looked more like a 6 step program. Do theatre. Get agent. Book a few commercials. Be amazing. Do indie that goes Sundance, OR a few TV spots. Be in movies- Take bow. At least, this is what my childhood led me to believe after watching back-to-back-to-back episodes of VH1's "Driven" and witnessing countless Disney stars turn A-list. However, the birth of the internet, and a dizzying number of cable channels has, if you're an optimist: leveled the field and made it easy to get yourself out there, OR, if you're a realist: created a level 10 audio tidal wave with the shrillness of 73 elementary school classrooms howling PICK ME.
It has been 4 years since I was labored from my cushy theatre major womb, and I'm over the pearly white defecatication of chimerical star-shaped bubbles about what I've been up to. That may sound bitter and aggressive... but trust me, it's not. I'm not trading in my optimistic balloon animal hat for a jaded machete of envy, oh no, no. You cannot, under any circumstance, go after a career in the arts without an over-served level of optimism, and I'm still racking up a tab. What I AM manically tossing into the recycle bin (what up Portland,) is this glossy 8 X 10 actor who regurgitates a well rehearsed "tips for the actor" pamphlet, and lives my life according to "what I'm supposed to be doing."
Because there aren't any rules anymore. Because, sloppy-over-tanned jerks are franchisable, youtube fame is a real thing and just about anyone is at risk of becoming a meme. Scare you? It shouldn't. It should be a liberating, ribbon cutting ceremony with scissors the size of an Allosaurus to embrace exactly where you are in the world. The internet changed everything. And NO ONE, (except Neil Degrasse Tyson) knows what is going to happen next. So rip up those "Advice for the Actor" books that were written 10 years ago by another 'actor' who decided to write a book on what they wish they would have known back then, and do it your way. Sorry friends, the game has changed and the time for walking around with Disney eyes and 2 thumbs up, is over.
These books do little but make you slap on a lawyer-smile and verbally tap-dance like you are a working actor anytime anyone asks you 'what you've done recently.' And while I'm on the subject:
A brief note to anyone who knows/ is friends with/ is related to/ sees, an "up and coming" actor: STOP ASKING: "So, how is the whole acting thing going?"
First of all, if you absolutely must ask, please refrain from calling it an "acting thing" because you're subtle 'appreciation' of my career choice might just choke me with it's falseness. Second, if you haven't heard anything recently, just assume that I'm doing what I can, to do what I do. I'm probably working a job-job (as "us akters" like to call those fancy things that make us money), and battling a daily dose of panic vs. optimism in my life choices. Trust, that if I'm going to be on television, in a commercial, or am discovered by a director in Trader Joes while clutching a bag of frozen turkey meatballs, you will hear about it. Because, if there is one type of person who will make sure everyone within a 103 mile radius knows when something excellent happens to them, it's an actor.
I've spent a lot of time doing what I see most actors doing: feeling ashamed of where I am in the world. I am a college graduate who knows I have at least some semblance of talent and intelligence, (be it only suited for a cocoa puff eating, stuffed animal audience, who's to say...) so, to be working hard as a server in a restaurant, felt embarrassing; like, I was failing before I even started. People asking me questions felt more like a grand jury peep show into my life where I had to defend the "failure chapter" in the acting book I was living. I constantly made choices around "what if I get an audition?" Recently, I've realized you can't live your life waiting for the 'good part' to start. THIS IS IT. It might get better, it might not, the only thing you can count on is it not being what you expected. So this part, the one riiiiight.... now, IS the good part. Would you like some more caps lock for emphasis? HERE YOU GO.
So, gone are my days of sheepishly trying to recount the last big job I did, (it was in July for those of you playing at home,) and feeling bad for not immediately donning red carpets with my awkward sauntering and blinking during photographs. I am where I am, and I'm proud of it.
I started doing what I wanted without constantly considering how it would affect "the acting thing." I put purple in my hair, I took day trips out of town, and started writing without the nagging worry that I am betraying the headshot facade of an actor that is Meisner-crying in the corner in between ALL my auditions my agent's aren't sending me on. Why? Because it made me happy. The plastic furniture forced smile has been redecorated with an unapologetic announcement of where I am, and appreciating it. Now I'm smiling because I'm actually happy.
It's the opposite of giving up. Dare I say, I've just begun to get my hands dirty in this crazy industry. It's a process. But, it can begin with, 'Hi, I'm Caitlyn, and I...am an actor."
All bets are off, so here are some things I think none of those books cover, and apply more than a chapter on "finding your type."
Tips for the actor (or any artist) of 2012:
1. Burn, eat, rip apart, any how-to book written before 2010.
2. Save gift cards from birthdays/holidays for the times when you have no other money. And believe the notes that say "you're awesome."
3. Learn to cook.
4. Remember it is ok to acknowledge this is hard. You don't have to be Sally Sunshinepiss all the time.
5. Remember it is not ok to constantly whine & bitch. No one inflicted acting upon you.
6. Take classes only after you've researched them, and decide they would be a good fit for you. Don't take them just to stay busy.
7. Women: know how to do your make up. Invest in good makeup.
8. Have a hobby that doesn't involve your craft in any way.
9. Make non-actor friends and love them like Mrs. Claus loves Rudolph for always bringing her hubbs back from doing something crazy.
10. Go to therapy.
11. Wear a rubber band and every time you discuss acting, snap it. If your wrist is red at all: you are annoying people.
12. Do things that remind you why you wanted to do this in the first place.
13. Challenge yourself to do more than you already do.
14. Embrace your "type," but only if you realize your type is YOU.
15. Create. Whatever that means to you, do it.
16. Make numerated lists for a blog on a website that is your name.
17. Don't be a victim. Ever.
18. Don't compare yourself to other people. Stay off facebook if this is hard for you.
19. Be social. (Coming from a recovering hermit, this is a crucial step.)
20. Be an actor because it makes you happy. If you are no longer happy, do something else.
21. Embrace the 'struggle' and appreciate that this is the time you will remember.
And finally,
22. Take pictures of yourself being a weirdo so you never take yourself too seriously.
